Growing up…

I remember when I was a little child, probably 8 or 10 years old. I used to think to myself, “Man, I cannot wait to grow up!” For a child like me, there were a million and one reasons as to why I wanted to be a big man. Chiefly because I was tired. My tired was tired. I was tired of the beatings, thrashings, slaps.
My conversation with my mother would typically go like;
Tolliiiiiie!
Silence...
Tolbert! (Whenever my first name is was used, this meant serious business)
Yeeees. I would rush to the site of my next torture.
“Who did this?”  She would ask.
 I don't know (my default response - you could ask me whats my name and the same answer would come)

 “You think am a fool?’ Silence! “Am talking to you and you are keeping quiet?” African mothers are notorious. Notorious for shifting goal posts. They tell you not to answer them today, tomorrow you’re keen enough not to answer and then you hear “ Wewe mtoto kichwa ngumu sana, nakuongelesha na unanyamaza !” today you’re expected to cry when beaten, tomorrow you’re not supposed to! What the...

 Come here!  Even before I had the chance to make a step towards my tormentor, something would be fiercely flying at me. It didn’t matter what it was, something, anything to teach this little brat a lesson. (Was it a lesson or a fully-fledged war? I always wondered). If I was lucky, I would duck and whatever asteroid that was coming at me would just miss me by a hairline. But she wasn’t done, another one and another one and another one would follow suit.

Off I would go, running against the wind. Oblivious of where I was heading. Little did I know that there is this thing that instantly kicks in such situations. Doubt that my mother was aware that it is the body’s natural response to imminent danger. Adrenaline: adrenaline was my saving grace and also my worst enemy coz after I’d flee promising to live in exile for the rest of my life, i would still find myself back to the place I started. Problem was, I didn’t know anywhere else that didn’t have extradition laws. All my “safe” havens betrayed me and deported me to the very doorstep I’d fled a couple of minutes ago. I would still get a hiding of my life!

I hated being beaten. You fail one sum, you’re hacked by a hammer. You go on a hunger strike, beaten like a burkenge. Your mom’s favorite thermos breaks; spear tackle, dump tackle, flying kick. Don’t make a mistake of losing that rubber attached to the tip of a pencil; you get torpedoed into oblivion. Man, I hated it.

I was eagerly awaiting freedom,  I wanted to grow up so bad that I started exaggerating my age. I wanted to grow up so that I can get ”Madaraka” Self- rule. I wanted freedom. Freedom to do whatever I wanted to do at my time of choosing, however I wanted to. Being a grown-up was cool, I could get me a job, buy some fancy clothes, get a cool ride with huge speakers at the back. And to crown it all, get me a beautiful lady to be by my side. That was my vision. I lived for this day. Every night I dreamt of the things I'd do when I was  finally grown. Life was going to be made!

So I grew up fast; thanks to the rigorous 844 system where you just study, study and study hard to get  good grades which would in turn lead to a well-paying  job -  money was the center of it all. As the old adage goes; “Education is the Key to life” (damn those teachers didn’t teach us how to sell air! Damn them) I breezed through primary school, glided through high school and wobbled through college (the last bit was challenging)  All this time  eyes  on the prize, never giving up on my dream of growing up.

Over 2 decades have grown and still I don’t think that my dream will finally come. Yes I have a job, I have my freedom, I basically have what I envisioned as a young lad back in a sleepy village just east of Uganda but not quite there. All those things I aspired for are within my grasp but yet so far. So  near that I can get them whenever I want but far because there are serious ramifications to having them. You want a big house you have to work for it, pay mortgage, save for eons, invest, steal, sell air to NYS – don’t get caught!

I realized that I have to make choices before I indulged into anything. You want to sleep for 12 hours right? Then be ready for poverty to strike. You want a beautiful lady? Then be ready to work hard to ward off the fisis (…and fisilettes) You always have to be on your toes, you snooze you lose. Every want is pegged to something that if you rubbed the wrong way then all your dreams go down the drain. Basically, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You have to continuously put in the work for the things you want. Here, in adult hood, there is no time- out.  You’re always thinking of the next step, the next strategy, the next big thing. The world does not stop for you to rest.  Again, you snooze you lose - so much for “freedom” (miss the flying dreams, the wet dreams…)

As a child, you make bad choices, you’re hammered, you cry your heart out, threaten to get lost in the street but you get hungry, get fed and you forget all. The next day you do the same shit that got you into trouble a few hours ago. But you still have a roof above your head, food, clothing. You do not have to worry about what you will eat tomorrow, who will be president, if Ndakaini dam will ever fill up!

 Here, adulthood,  there is nothing like that. You’re hungry, steal a chicken, get arrested and you rot in prison. Here the margin for error is very slim. You realize that nothing is what it seems. The smile someone is giving you today is only because they are interested in something you have. You get to see the real faces behind the masks. You realize that it’s a man eat man world and people will do literally anything to what they not necessarily need. You start watching the markets, you weigh the dollar versus the shilling. You think you think and thin. It gets to that point that you decide that all this is crap and you wanna just sit back, sit and watch the cookie crumble. But this is the world of grown –ups and unfortunately you can hit the pause button. Again, you snooze you lose

So in a world that is fast changing as this, how do you maintain sobriety. How do you ensure that you stick on the right path, how do you not run yourself to the ground?